Personal Narrative

Let me increase entropy

Shall I give a heads up that I am weird. But then the other person will become more skeptical. Even if I don’t appear or function as a weirdo, I would be drilling in their mind that I am weird. No, I should not say anything at all. Why bring attention to some speculative quality when it might not be noticeable at all. I hope I won’t regret it. 

Hi Divya, are you there? Can you hear me?

Hey! Yeah, I can hear you.

Great. So, how are you?

Brain not functioning. The other person is trying to access a brain area that can’t be accessed without authorisation. 

Segmentation Fault. Core dump not available.

BLANK. 

No neural signals detected in the cerebral area.

System going down. Reboot will start in a while.

Hmm … 

Ain’t that a personal question? Could we not just start with the actual work. I am yet to excel in these short talks. I want to answer but I can’t. Wait, it is the way a conversation unfolds. And you don’t have to tell how exactly you are. Programmed social protocol. You say you are good and ask them if they are okay. And then throw in the actual question that has to be discussed. Okay, on the count of three…

I am good, I have a few queries regarding Treasury Bills. And I also want to discuss a little about OTR and WI.

I know I should have asked them how they are, but I can’t force myself to ask that. No, I can’t. Right now only one thing matters – make the other person hit Ctrl+C, kill this program. My codebase needs an emergency update. And this update might take weeks, months, or years.

Image not found! OOPS …
Manhandling a camera outputs a weird selfie
Let the whim drive me
What worst could happen?
It will happen and will be a new fashion

I am doing something completely random, trying my best to get out of my comfort zone (or as I have heard other cool people say getting comfortable being uncomfortable) not on one but multiple axes. Instead of planning the content to write while trying to sleep, now I am making efforts to actually write about all my insecurities, flaws, and the little discoveries that I make about myself. And once the diagnosis will be done, I’ll consult Dale Carnegie’s bestseller. Tickets will be raised, I will work on them, and finally I will share my progress here with – ? Now, it is a tricky thing. Who reads my blog? A few people who clicked that Follow button. Here I want to confess one thing – I am was very doubtful about the content that should be published here. Because when you clicked that Follow button, you expected to find here a particular kind of content. Now if I deviate, would it be wrong? Did I trick you to get in? ( I so much want to delete these lines but no, I won’t. ) It is my blog, I will do whatever I want to do with it. You are free to choose your actions. ( I am not being rude, another thing that I need to work on. )

It has been more than a year that I have been at home with my parents. College ended abruptly and the very first job of mine started as Work from Home. All kind of interactions have gone virtual. I have not met a new person in real (not that I want to), all new acquaintances made on WordPress, Messenger, LinkedIn, the point is – it is all virtual. And texting (I would include calls but not all, will elaborate in later posts) is way more different than talking in person. I am very efficient in texting cause it is easy, no facial expressions, no tone, lots of emojis to dilute the intensity. In person, I am terrible. I actually avoid people. We are going out, do you want to join us? My answer is fixed, my machinery has been programmed to say NO. Do I have to change it? I guess no. But then there are certain things like asking the other person about their well being, well that is still easy compared to talking to a friend when they are going through a tough time. No matter how much I want to ask, I can not find words. What do I do? I simply avoid them for a while, and when things are normal, I try my best not to bring up that topic by any chance. Fight or flight? Flight. But my reasoning is that my words won’t do any magic, they might hurt them even more. I can’t be trusted with my words cause they often not match with my intentions. ( Writing is different, you have copious time to think, edit, google the best way to express and then copy paste. ) I have issues, but then we all have issues, mine no important than yours and yours not more important than mine. I wrote this as if making an entry in my journal. But I am certain about one thing, that selfie was not required. LOL.

PS- It has been two months, I have forgotten most of the things. Editor and settings…

7 thoughts on “Let me increase entropy

  1. Good for you Divya! Breaking out of your shell and exposing the real you has put a face to your name when talking to you. Much better this way. And as for the doubts and insecurities, we all have them, confidence is the key and that comes with age and experience and baby-steps in facing our fears.
    I was once afraid of singing in front of people I didn’t know. Yet in time, I made a living doing just that! And sometimes in front of hundreds of them at a time! Gaining confidence is a road we all travel even though the road winds different in all of us. Anyways, I’m glad to get to know you a little better Divya. Looking forward to our next conversation. Until then be well and stay safe!

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    1. Thank you Wayne 🙂 You are absolutely right – confidence is the key. Now that my career has started, I can see the side-effects when you shy away. To progress one has to break the shell. And here I am, no longer a ghost. 🙈
      You too take care 🙃.

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